


Two Nights.

by Blackwidow1984



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hugging, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, listen I wrote this and I want to cry!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-29
Updated: 2018-01-29
Packaged: 2019-03-11 02:27:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13514799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blackwidow1984/pseuds/Blackwidow1984
Summary: There were only two nights that Leonard and Jim felt like they were the loneliest and most lost being’s in the universe.Jim, a lost starLeonard, the lonely night





	1. Jim, a lost star.

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is it! I haven't written in a while and this took me 5 months to complete because procrastination and depression both epitomize my life :). I hope you enjoy this story, it’s 2 stories within one but it's full of angst and angst. Thank you so much for finding my lil fic and it would mean a great deal if you'd kudos and/or comment your thoughts!!  
> Star Trek nor these characters belong to me! (if only tho)

The constant array of stars glittered against the large slab of glass wall in the recreational room, tis was a spectacle of calm, in times an escape for members of the crew to indulge the quiet before immersing themselves back into their duties. At night, it was bare of visitors, except for one tired and overworked crew member.   
Jim sat leaning against a wall, with his head against the thickened glass looking out into the darkness that prevailed outside. His eyes and ears not coherent to the world around him, lost in his own domain of solitude was a welcome and was a much-needed break from the hectic schedule that had come before him. 

After John Harrison and Admiral Marcus had created a mess as big as Earth’s sun, all Starfleet resources had been relocated to fix the chaos that had been made.   
The Starfleet hearings and meetings that had just been recounts of the same event over and over and had begun ringing in Jim’s ear. The names and faces of the dead littered his mind, and there was nowhere to go to be free from this cage. Everything and everyone was focused on the devastation, and all Jim wanted to do was run away from it all. 

He was caught in the middle, and there was nowhere to catch a breath. Which he really needed as he didn’t really take to dying again. Anyway, his crew would kill him. His crew, his family, they were here with him, and he wasn’t alone. He had Leonard, his Leonard, the man who put up with the hectic life of Jim Kirk and always was there to welcome him home and console him. Jim wanted Leonard now, to hold him and tell him he’s going to be alright, but he couldn’t move from the silent room.

Although he thought his crew would be angry at him for taking one for the team and losing his life, momentarily, obliviously assuming that they weren’t angry would be a grave mistake. But they were just overwhelmed with joy to be able to see their Captain living and breathing before yelling at him.   
Even with the people he has stood by, nothing could temper the gnawing sensation of emptiness and loneliness. Feeling like he was looking at the world and not seeing himself in it, a ghost. He was a navigator with no map nor a captain without confidence and strength. And that was a useless captain in Starfleet’s books.

Jim was suddenly not in the spacious area of the recreational room, he was swept into a distant memory. He was himself, but as a child. Blonde headed and blue eyed with a trembling figure hidden under his childhood bed. He felt the cold prickle his skin, and the wept tears trailing down his cheeks. He was alone in a place he was told to call home, wanting his mother to be there and hold him tightly and never let go. To feel the warmth of her around him, protecting him, and singing him lullabies until he fell into a peaceful sleep in her arms. 

But the warmth faded away into space as he tried to stay in the dream longer, to linger in the tranquillity. The homeliness dissolved back into the monotonous scenery of stars, a bitter iciness had swept into the silent holodeck. The feeling was familiar, the reoccurrence of numbness entered his body, the impression left on his physique felt like he was back in the warp core chamber. With the senses returning to him so did the feeling. The feeling of separation from his reality. He was alone and lost once again.


	2. Finding Each other again ~ Stars and the Night collide. ~ Part 1

There is something quite peculiar about space, a three - dimensional empty vacuum that spans infinitely through solar systems upon solar systems. This vast area is a connection between planets and people, an existence that serves a purpose for Starfleet and other operations for of research, diplomacy and exploration. For such an endless and unvaried sight, it still is a sight that brightens the most tired eyes. 

Leonard McCoy sluggishly walked through the newly rebuilt hallway of the Enterprise. The ship now looked like it had never been nearly destroyed, nor fallen through the skies of Earth heading straight towards civilization; the bright iridescent lights that lit the hallway unhelpfully added more pain to the already throbbing headache the doctor carried. 

His body was beyond exhausted and all he wanted to do was find a quiet area to sit in and not think for a second. He found himself heading to the recreational room, an area he and Jim often went to. His trailing feet finally came to a stop near the door, the hallways were abandoned during the designated night time and it was quite strange to see the corridors so bare of exuberance and chatter. With the exception of beta crew members walking through the endless halls it was simply quiet.  
A strange sensation for the doctor who was used to med bay being a flurry of action, he stepped closer to the door and it automatically opening to reveal the dim lit room, where pigments of white scattered the vast space outside of the window. 

A place of solitude and silence, but it wasn’t cold, it was calming and peaceful. Which was a very different outlook for the doctor’s eyes to gaze upon. In that iridescent room, he felt.... content, and if it had not been for the tinge of gold tucked away in the corner of the room, he would’ve been alone.   
The contrasting gold to the dark background caught Leonard’s attention immediately. The rustled and unkempt golden hair that stemmed from the weary body of the Enterprise’s captain. He had closed on himself even more becoming a cocoon and had not stirred from his position nor recognised that someone else was in the room. 

Leonard stepped closer to Jim, with a concerned and curious expression, but still the Captain would not move. “Jim?” McCoy asked softly, moments passed with no answer and Leonard became increasingly more concerned. He kneeled in front of the man, who was staring out the window absentmindedly while his thoughts were in a completely different universe. His eyes were blotchy and were noticeably red from tears, Leonard gently placed his hand on Jim’s shoulder.

Jim, feeling the weight on his shoulder from Leonard’s hand caught him off guard but didn’t flinch nor wanted the warmth indention to leave. He wanted to stay in the shadows of mourning and kept in the cage of guilt. He wanted to not feel the weight of the dead hanging from his shoulders, those who fell, and he didn’t catch in time. Christopher Pike, all those commanders and captains that died in the briefing room, and his crew; the countless officers that died on board. He couldn’t surmise those he lost and failed, the responsibility of such actions that had transpired had weighed Jim down heavily and his body riddled with guilt.

“I failed.” He looked down from Leonard, ashamed. The doctor was taken aback by his response, he knew Jim would take every death to heart and creating ways he could’ve saved a person a hundred times. Often times like these, Leonard had to keep level headed and make sure he understood that it wasn’t his fault. It failed most times, but eventually those words would cut through the smoke of Jim Kirk brain and make him realise he is no god, and he cannot save everyone. Something that Leonard had to go through as a doctor, a practitioner of life preservation. “Jim, you saved me, you saved your friends. Your crew. Maybe not all of them, but you tried, and I-” 

Leonard was overcome with emotion, and became lost in the moment he saw Jim die, he breathed a shaky breath in before continuing. “I want to make sure you know you never faltered trying to save us, never throughout those days did you fail me.” Leonard cupped Jim’s face gently, his lips quivered and eyes ready to water, but he stood strong. He needed to be, for Jim. 

“I’ve waited so long, too long, to say this. I had never felt more useless and angry before I saw you in that chamber, and I have never wanted to see you in that position again. I was angry, and I didn’t know who I was angry at more, you or myself. Because you and your stupid ass decided to risk your life against all odds and saved this crew. Or myself for not being able to make you heal faster or being able to save you if you didn’t make it. I wanted to be angry at everything and I lashed out and-” 

Leonard became breathless whether it was out of exhaustion from being in Med Bay for so long, or the constant wave of emotions had drowned him. He slowly calmed himself down, Jim placed his hand on his knee in a calming motion and rubbed his thumb along his uniform.   
“I’m sorry, for everything I put you through. I can’t imagine what you all went through watching me die, and I never wanted to bring you pain or anger…. I just wanted to save you. I needed to make sure the crew and the ship survives...”

“The crew and ship also needs their Captain to survive.” Leonard said honestly.   
Jim was stunned with the truthful realization of Leonard's words, he made himself promise that he’d try. And he would strive to do so, it was all that he could do. He couldn’t promise that he wouldn’t die trying to save his crew or anyone else again as much as Leonard couldn’t promise to save everyone he treats. But they would try, and as long as they were breathing they would try. 

Their shared words had hit both of their cores and as and slowly Leonard sat down next to Jim against the wall. His hand clasping Jim’s, to offer something with no words. Unity. Their hands tangled together and Jim’s head resting on his shoulder. They consoled and welcomed each other with comfort and peace. Just the soft touch of empathy and a long understanding of each other’s needs connected the two.

A unified moment, where neither captain nor doctor were alone and disconnected from the world. They were there, together, tired and broken, but together. Jim tightened his hand as he eased closer into the small embrace of hands by moving his head from the wall and onto his partners shoulder. Precious time as this was, was fleeting but treasured and needed for such troublesome moments that often left them feeling short of time. 

After John Harrison, it felt like time had stopped keeping them connected, but now time had bought them back together again. They were entwined in each other in a glorious spectacle of life and love. It was as true as sunlight and content as the stars that blossomed in the night sky. And in that moment, they were small molecules compared to the universe, but that was enough for them. If they had each other, it was enough.


	3. Leonard,  A Lonely Night

Being the doctor of a star ship was a highly stressful job as the CMO, Leonard McCoy, would say with a few choice words he would incorporate when describing his job title. After the destruction caused by John Harrison, the state of the ship and its crew was in a disarray, a headache-inducing blur of a mess was left in the good doctor’s hand. No soon later after the end of Harrison’s reign of terror, was the influx of much needed help from the injured crew. 

He was quick to begin aiding those in need, while also tirelessly trying to keep his other partner in crime alive and stable. Running himself into the ground, Leonard worked 24/7 giving orders, administering medicine and healing broken bones. It was an endless cycle, and all he wanted to do was break free from it and take a single break. 

To sit next to the one person that has been there for him in the worst of times and the best. The man that held McCoy’s heart and never betrayed him. Jim. His Jim. It ripped Leonard apart seeing him strapped to all the machine intent on keeping him alive, he wanted to believe he saved him.  
His lips trembled as he stood in front of the eerily still human form in the bed. His hands gripped to the bed frame, squeezing it until his hands were red. He didn’t want to let go, he couldn’t. He couldn’t just walk away nor let Jim go, he was at an impasse. At night, he laid in their bed looking at the bare pillow beside him. It felt cold to the touch and the sheets were not the usual scrunched up mess in the morning. 

It felt wrong, having no usual morning conversations nor watching crappy movies and having no Jim. Things that didn’t really matter was all that Leonard wanted, he wanted to be back at home with Jim and saving the kitchen from an accidental fire that started thanks to Jim’s exemplary cooking skills and gossip idly about the crew and Starfleet. He wanted it all back, Jim’s crystallizing blue eyes, his beautiful lips and his loving and warm hands that held Leonard up when he couldn’t stand by himself. 

They were each other’s home, comfort and a stable place for their feelings and love. But he felt that home wisp away into the stars, when he saw a motionless body alone in the chamber. Leonard’s hand began to shake uncontrollably, his legs trembled under the swift and irrepressible weight.  
His body gave out to gravity, crumbling harshly on the hard ground. Leonard’s vision became incomprehensible and jagged, his breathing hitched in his throat and created what felt like a blockage in his lungs that brought a sharp pain. But no broken bone nor cut could conjure up a pain that radiated in his heart, Leonard wanted to scream and cry and fall into a dark abyss of sleep; but he was left in a state of loneliness and fear. 

He was alone in a world without the hope of Jim wrapping himself around him and holding him. He was alone in a world that became bleak.  
After Jim was transported to the Med Bay, Leonard stood in front of the incubator that held Jim, whom was still the still form he had seen in the deathly space of the warp core. He stared intently without moving a single muscle, and he couldn’t move his eyes away from his golden-haired love. 

Leonard felt his body shiver, and his legs go numb. A sensation like a boulder was compressing his chest making it harder to breathe, and wet droplets ran down his cheeks. The doctor had felt this pain before, but back then it had been expected not like this. This was something that Leonard wanted to run from, just to curl up on his bed and scream at the universe that made moments unbearable, but his mind went blank and his heart broke. 

He wanted to breathe, he wanted a new day, to feel the warmth of the sun of his face that wasn’t artificial. To feel the cold and refreshing feeling of the ocean sweeping along his feet, to feel anything. To feel something that was neither numb or broken. To hold the soft hands of the blue-eyed man he loved, to feel the electric and splendor of his lips against his. To breathe his air, and to see what he sees, but it was all only possible in a fleeting dream now. 

Before he even realised he was led to a chair by Nurse Chapel, her hands gripping his arms as if his legs would fail him. He sat consumed in the cosmic pit of despair and felt something he hadn’t felt since the day he signed up for Starfleet. Loneliness.


	4. Finding each other again ~Stars and the Night collide.~ Part 2

The ocean was a peaceful sight, with its ever-changing form and crashing waves that would create dissonance for the calm sea that laid around a body. The ocean held no pain, suffering nor fear that would bite the skin. Terror- glazed eyes or wet cheeks would hold a place in the serenity of water. 

There are moments when dreams are of being swallowed up by the tranquil and private oasis of the deep dark oceans. Leonard wanted to be taken to the depths and to never hear the exasperating and constant beeping, nor see the spiritless form in front of Leonard that reminds him of how life is so delicate and easily breakable. 

But broken pieces can be put back together as does bones while hope and love could heal. And life had a way of bringing back those lost to the dark. Jim with the will of the gods, felt the light ignite his body, wrapping itself around his drained and bruised body. To feel life again was a strange phenomenon, once a feeling of nothing exploded into a swarm of different senses. 

His mouth was instantly dry, his chilly skin felt tight and his head swam in an ocean of electric pain it was like a large object had fell on it. But he was alive, the first breathe of life again entered his system and he was alive. Nothing could temper the fire that lit; it was as bright and warm as the sun. It was the purest form in the universe…life…and it felt glorious. 

Jim’s eyelids felt heavy to open, but persisted to see a sea of white, with glimpses of blue. Two panes of glass spread the walls behind him and traveled around so he could see outside easily into the sight of San Francisco. His other senses came back to him quickly, the stench of chemical that came with being in a hospital struck him instantly, and the constant high-pitched beeping was not something Jim wasn’t unaccustomed too, but it felt new to his ears. Everything felt different somehow, like he was anew. Re birthed. 

His mind went back to the moments before it all went black; his body was burning, and it felt like his innards were being scrambled like eggs. Jim’s whole body felt heavy and it became harder and harder to stay, his hand fell slowly from the glass and his vision became tunneled. Looking at his crew, his friends…. his family, they were in disarray, but all Jim felt was nothing, completely and utterly numb. All that came next was a bright light and he was gone. His pulse disappeared like a breath in cold day, and he sat leaning against the glass, all on his own in the chamber.

Jim mind came back to the present, now understanding on how he got to the hospital bed with various wires attached to his body, he felt warm. The crystal-clear awareness of a setting sun radiated through his body and the hospital administered blanket across him. But something that wasn’t hospital administered was a hand that held his, he trailed the hand to the body that belonged to it. A man wearing a white hospital uniform which almost camouflaged with the white background but the body with ruffled dark brown hair starkly contrasted it. Resting against Jim’s bed sleeping, he sat in a chair next to the bed, with his head resting against the edge of the bed with his tangled hand clasped over his.

Jim softly smiled at the man, at the tender touch of the hand against his. Him. His Doctor. His trusted companion who he could count on. His Leonard. Tears prickled his eyes, and his heart fell. Jim thought he never would see him again, never thought he would feel his touch or his love. Never to see him smile or tell him he’s an idiot or feel his affection or the caring adoration he carried. He remembered the last moment of seeing him, how it broke his already dying heart. 

Leonard’s face of despair and anguish littered Jim’s mind, he felt anger for the world that made Leonard see him die; and for his family to watch his life fade away. but the life of one amounts to nothing when it comes to saving all, he would do it again if it meant that Leonard, and his family were alive and safe. He didn’t want to wake the weary doctor, but Jim knew he would get hell if Leonard wasn’t notified as soon as he was awake. Jim squeezed his hand under Leonard's, and slowly the good doctor stirred, he let out a yawn stretched his tired limbs without moving from his position. 

But he gradually opened his eyes and lifted his head, he removed his hand from Jim’s to rub his weary eyes. Vision becoming less fuzzy and coming into focus, only to see the moment that had been giving him strength and hope for the last 6 weeks. All that monitoring and assessing, and those lonely nights where he couldn’t stand to sleep. Where he basically lived in Jim’s room, always a hawk on Jim’s position, and that pain he felt every time he laid eyes on him. 

That aching lifted, and the suffering was extinguished. He saw those eyes, those beautiful blue eyes looking at him with those lips curled in a smile and he was there. He was finally there, he was in that moment he dreamt and hoped for, he was there alive and awake. All Leonard could do was grasp Jim’s hand and hold it, in case of it slipping back into a world in which he could not follow. The room that once was tormented and was a room leading to deaths door, but it felt lighter, like the misery was vanquished and everything inside was beautiful and peaceful. Leonard couldn’t comprehended let alone utter a word, astonishment and joy swelled inside of him.

“Hey” Jim said softly, his smile never leaving, and neither were his eyes that were still connected to Leonard, and they wondered over his face. His eyes looked puffy and exhausted, and he looked bewildered which was a slightly funny expression that Jim would most likely later describe fantastically to Leonard and their friends.   
After a brief minute of disorientation, Leonard breathed in and out heavily as if the entire weight of the universe had lifted and he smiled. Smiled like the first time he saw the stars in the sky as a child or saw his daughter take her first steps. 

The doctor stood up from his chair and embraced Jim not too hardly as he was still healing, but enough to make sure he was there, that they were there together in that room. They unlinked but his hand-held Jim’s face, and suddenly his face fell into bewilderment and somewhat desperation. He closed his eyes abruptly and squeezed them before opening them. He was still there. Jim didn’t leave, nor exit from what felt like a dream. 

Jim licked his chapped lips and looked despairingly away from Leonard. His lips shivered as he bit into them, he tried not to shake his weak body. He looked up swiftly to Leonard, to take in what he saw. A disheveled doctor, someone who had entangled himself into Jim’s heart. “I thought I lost you too.” He replied shakily. Exhaustion raged in both of their heads, but they kept it at bay. Jim didn’t want to go back into the blackness that awaited when he closed his eyes, he wanted to stay there with their eyes enchanted with each other’s. They had each other, they weren’t lost or forgotten. 

Throughout his life, Jim felt expendable and that it wouldn’t matter if he didn’t make it like everyone else did, that he could be that town kid who never grew up or gave a damn. Like he was made to be alone and never feel trust, friendship or love and to never have a family that didn’t fit.   
Then came Christopher Pike saving his ass and telling him he could be something, and he eventually found something through his crew and his ship. Jim found a place in the world, in this galaxy, something that he could only dream about. 

Along with, someone who had found his heart, he could only wonder how his smart-ass attitude landed that one, but he wasn’t complaining.   
Neither was Leonard, with his rough edges and honesty, which he commonly gave to Jim. They had found each other in their lowest moments and together they patched each other up like a broken vase and created something truthful and picturesque. But through the high and low points they thought they would never lose one another, but they had, and it took a toll on both of them. 

“I thought I lost you too. But I’m here” Jim said with a breath of air, they would strive to become stronger both individually and collectively but also allow each other to be there to lean on. They had each other, wherever they were whether they were physically together or not. They had each other. 

Let them be glorious.  
Let them be triumphant.  
Let them be angry.  
Let them be sad.  
Let them heal.


End file.
